Coffee and Cherries

I havent had a cup of coffee in a long time. (certainly not the frappes, and tea doesnt count) I love frappes (with mint and raspberry syrup) but i kinda missed drinking coffee. But I really really want to try to get to bed early. I guess coffee can wait till tomorrow morning. For tonight, I'm raiding my jar of cherries. :)

geez, I know every Filipino would be saying this in their blogs today, but its soooo hot! the weather is just, its just sooo exhausting! I want to take a 3 hour long bath with cold water! (to think I hate taking a bath with cold water). haaay. Airconditioning doesnt seem to be enough!

I will distract myself with Cherries and Ice cream and a good tv series to watch. Any ideas?

On how a lot of things can happen in such a short span of time.(something I should have written years ago.)

Okay, the title of this post really gives the gist of my post. What I find interesting, is that you probably will read this post because you know how it feels like, and you would want to know how mine came to happen. This isnt going to be something filled with drama or whatever it is that rates. Initially, I wanted to rant about everything that has happened, but then I realized I couldnt just rant about everything- some good things did happen to me. Its just that I cant help but wish that the bad stuff didnt have to happen. Or maybe it was a package. Either way, im still thankful for the good things, and im still trying to understand the bad things. But trying to find something good in all this, that's a challenge. I rarely say what I really feel, and I tend to shut up when I should be speaking out. Funny, I always thought myself to be a strong person. I hadnt realized that just because I felt strong, it doesnt mean that I am.

Let me tell you a little something about me.

I don't remember the last time that I had said or done something for vindication. I always said that what people thought of me didnt matter. I knew the truth, and thats what mattered. But then I look back at everything, and I realized that I shouldve said what I had wanted to do, when I had the chance. I know of people who didn't give themselves the chance to explain things; suffice to say, things went sour. I thought things through and I realized that things are what they are now because of everything that has been left unsaid before. Then I think about what would have happened if everyone had been completely honest about things. Would things have been better? Maybe not. Debating about things that have happened in the past is very very dangerous- it may mean that we contemplate on our lives (which is good) but it may also mean that we are unsure of whats happening; that we now blame our past actions for what we have now, and what is to be. Then it all becomes blurry- at what point does one decision affect one's future? And when everything's blurry, I only remember what I felt at that time- the people, and the experiences. It all becomes clear to me then- what I felt was what mattered. what others felt mattered too, but my feelings brought more pain to me. It probably meant, that I had to put myself first before anything else. That I had to stop being such an understanding human being. That I had to be different. Because after all these years, my humanity alienated me from people. It made me feel different.

Now I realize that what I am, and everything that's happened, is because I allowed it to be.

It's a good thing I really love where I am at right now, otherwise, I would be a very bitter person.

But I will be better. I will be stronger.

You know what I still cant understand?

I cant understand why I let the simplest of things get as far as it did. I guess thats what happens when you get caught in a whirlwind. The bad side: the good trees get uprooted. The bad trees? well, theyre still there, bad as ever.

I cant do project 365 but i'll try this.